What I'd Do If I Won The Lottery

[“Let Inga Tell You,” La Jolla Light, published October 14, 2024] ©2024

Everybody has a fantasy about what they’d do if they won the lottery. I’ve always been clear about mine: hire a live-in masseuse. I’d get a minimum of two massages a day of about four hours each. In fact, some days I wouldn’t even get off the table, especially if I could figure out a way to simultaneously get a straw into a glass of chardonnay.

People have very mixed feelings about massage. Some are creeped out by being rubbed with scented oil by total strangers. This is clearly a birth defect and I feel totally sorry for them.

I have other friends who, like me, absolutely love massage. My preferred masseur, of course, is my husband Olof who generously rubs my back if we’re watching TV together, racking up husband points like you wouldn’t believe. He insists he needs them in case of a sudden husband point conflagration which has occurred from time to time, especially when long-awaited plans were cancelled due to business travel. But he’s retired now so it shouldn’t be too hard to maintain a positive balance.

Not surprisingly, my favorite massagee is also Olof. Not a fan of “stranger” massage, he is only too happy to have a can of whipped cream slathered over—er, too much information. Anyway, as a single working parent for twelve years, I was financially ineligible for massage unless someone gifted me one. So I’m trying to make up for lost time.

My only hesitation at all about massage is that I feel a little bad that the masseuse is getting stuck with my increasingly-decrepit porcine proportions. Was I the fantasy she had when she went to massage school?  I think not.

Of course, we aged oinkers are often the folks with money for massages. Which I’m sure doesn’t keep massage people from hoping for some firmer flesh to manipulate. Several years ago, I went into a spa to get a massage gift certificate for my very athletic younger son. He’d been there before. That massage girl’s face lit up like a Christmas tree when I mentioned his name. I can assure you that nobody’s face lights up when they hear my name, except possibly to recall that I tip well. Considering my body, maybe it’s not well enough.

My extreme fondness for massage has made my husband wonder aloud if I were secretly adopted from a sensory-deprived Romanian orphanage. As a blue-eyed blond in a family of brown-eyed brunettes, it seemed plausible. Nope, I’m just a massage junkie, plain and simple. 

Sometimes it’s nice to do a massage just focusing on one area. I’ve never actually taken heroin (which probably won’t surprise anyone, especially with the easy availability of chardonnay) but I think head massage must be a similar high. Those endorphins just go crazy. I’d probably have my post-lottery live-in masseuse do at least one head and one foot massage a day too.

Not too long ago, I wandered into an Asian-run massage place whose brochure advertised their treatments as “better for your organ.” I couldn’t argue with such a charming endorsement and signed up for a reflexology foot massage. All our organs are alleged to have nerve endings in the foot so that pressing on certain areas can help diagnose problems elsewhere in the body. Of those 7000 nerve endings, 6,000 of mine seem to be perennially annoyed. The foot masseur pressed on one place that was excruciating painful. I flinched. “Hurt there, kidney no good,” he said. No good?  Maybe they were just having a bad day?  I mean, we’re talking kidneys here.

Noting a really sore spot during a foot massage at another place last year, I asked, “what organ is that?” The masseuse said “sinuses.” Geesh, that’s probably one of the three organs in my whole body that has consistently behaved (along with my kidneys).  So as a diagnostic tool, it may not work that well for me.  I’m thinking that in my case, maybe the pain in my feet might mean “need new shoes” or “lose weight, Lumpy!” Don’t really care. It just feels heavenly.

I guess if you’re going to have an addiction, massage isn’t the worse one you can have. But I really have to start buying lottery tickets.

 

Whine Fest Part II: Readers Weigh In

["Let Inga Tell You,"  La Jolla Light, published October 7, 2024] 2024

Several weeks ago, I wrote about the many things that annoy me in life, and invited readers to submit theirs for a follow-up column.

Why did I wait 15 years for this topic? I should have been doing it quarterly.

It is not surprising that we all have plenty of things to whine about, particularly our fellow humans. Some topics, not surprisingly, came up repeatedly, particularly parking, dog poop, traffic, and technology. Here s a selection of submissions:

Getting stuck behind a driver who suddenly decides they don't want to be in the lane they're in, but haven't figured out what to do about it.

Veterinary hospitals that don t handle "emergencies."

All the parking taken by people who drove to the gym to work out.

Remote check-in that is still first come first served when you get there.

Using a credit card for takeout food pickup that gives you a screen that starts gratuity level at 15%.

Idiots who can't figure out the traffic circles in Bird Rock!!! Accidents waiting to happen and seriously annoying. Not that difficult to figure out the system.

Companies that talk you into buying their service or product and then later you find out you've subscribed to it every month unless you cancel. You don't find that out until you've been charged for another month or several sessions.

People who don't chip their pets or even put an ID tag on them then post panicked messages on neighborhood social media when the pet gets out.

The drivers who never learned to pull up entirely into the intersection at a traffic light in order to take a left turn and who remain on or behind the white crosswalk for pedestrians, ensuring that when the light turns red they will be able to turn and you, the hapless driver behind them hoping to make the light, will get stuck at it and have to wait for the next light while they drive blithely away. Grrr! Btw, I've been known to honk at them as a gentle reminder to pull forward. A corollary to this are drivers who stop in the middle of the road to check their GPS!

Stores that relentlessly encourage you to use self-serve checkout.

People who leave their dog poop plastic bags in my green recycling bin, in spite of the clear signs, saying NO DOG POOP! with pictures of those baggies I have taped to the lid!

People who basically don't have yards, hiring crews that use only gasoline powered tools to take care of the yard that doesn't exist.

My complaint: those blazing white hot LED headlights that make you want to shield your eyes from oncoming traffic.

People that leave their cart in the middle of the aisle to get a free sample at Costco.

People that leave their trash in the cart after getting the free sample. Really? The trash receptacle is right there people!

Sitting in a turn lane and missing the light when a person in front of you feels their time texting is more important than the rest of the world.

Having a call dropped after waiting online (on hold on a phone call or on a chat) for a long time.

A font so small you can't read the directions on an important medication the volume you need to take at any time, how frequently, with what, and contraindications.

Software companies that tell you they have updated their (very long in legalese) privacy policy but don't tell you what has changed.

An app that won't let you in until you say that you've forgotten your password when they know you have put in the correct password but they just want you to change it to a new one.

When did it become legal to take pets into places that sell any type of food? Restaurant patios with pets kept on floor are legal thanks to Gov Brown tweaking the law for his dog.

Apps that ask you to create a password and THEN tell you the requirements, one by one, after you've met each requirement stated.

Microsoft reboots your computer without permission and then gives you two copies of all the Word files you had open which you then have to open and compare to decide which to keep.

People who leave their trash & recycling bins in plain sight. Makes for a trashy looking neighborhood - pun intended!

Advertisements for medications that have more disclaimers or reasons not to take it than there are ingredients especially the medications that read this long list as fast as possible with a final side effect, death 

Security questions that require you to click on all the pictures with buses, motorcycles, etc. AND THEN require you to repeat the process with three more sheets of other photos. QUIT wasting my time with kindergarten activities!

People who decorate their houses with Porch Propaganda, Lawn Litter, and Balcony Baloney !  I know you said no politics, Inga, but do people really think others care about how they are voting??? One wackadoodle neighbor with all their signs is definitely an indication of how not to vote!!!! La Jolla is so beautiful with the restriction on real estate signs and billboards, all this other stuff is such an eyesore!!!

People who use leaf blowers to blow all the debris down the storm drains!

When you try to close a Microsoft (Excel, I m looking at you) file, and you get the question: Do you want to save your changes? even though you didn't make any changes.

So bring it on, folks. Keep the whining coming!