[“Let Inga Tell You,” La Jolla Light, published May 6, 2020] ©2020
Let me say up front that I am hardly a germaphobe. (One look at my
house would convince you.) But the one thing I’ve never liked touching during
flu season – or at all during the current pandemic – is the payment keypad and
wand at grocery stores and pharmacies. At the pharmacy, even if you pay cash,
you still have to use the wand to sign that you picked up your meds. You
can’t help but reflect every time you touch those things that you might as well
have shaken hands with the last 100 COVID-carrying or influenza-afflicted people
in that line.
I know there is food delivery but I feel bad for making other people
assume my risk. Besides, I’m old so nobody cares if I die except…except…
Anyway, so before leaving for the supermarket, I try to map out my anti-contamination
plan like it’s a major offensive. This is not a project for sissies.
Step 1: Wash hands before leaving house.
Step 2: Have Lysol and alcohol wipes, latex gloves, trash bag, and mask
on passenger seat at the ready.
Step 3: Before getting out of the car at store, put on latex gloves
and mask. Put cash in pocket if using so don’t have to touch wallet, along
with 3 alcohol wipes in a sandwich bag and my debit card in right pocket ready
for action.
Step 4: Get allegedly-sanitized cart from high school kid who seems to just
be spritzing liquid Kovid Kill in the general direction of the handle and
slapping it a few times with a rag that probably harbors more coronavirus than
New York City. His dead eyes say, “I will never complain about school again.”
Enter store if no wait. Otherwise get in socially-distanced line.
Step 5: Uh-oh. Glasses are fogging up! Worse, nose is starting to
run from seasonal allergies from so much rain. Use sleeve to de-fog glasses as
much as possible. Try to snort snot back in nose. #fail
Step 6: Hit paper products aisle first. Empty, but hope springs
eternal.
Step 7: Cell phone rings. Do not answer it! Even if it’s the call
you’ve been waiting two days for, from the repair guy who you’re hoping you can
bribe with serious cash to come fix your broken stove.
Step 8: But dang! Really need the stove! Stick gloved hand into purse
and pull out now-contaminated phone. It’s not the stove guy. You’ve just
risked COVID-19 to answer a spam call in Mandarin.
Step 9: Get in socially-distanced line to pay for the 1/3 of the items
on your list that they actually had. Clerk, wondering how he/she managed to
end up in the second most dangerous job in America, grabs a wipe and does a
harried swipe of keypad. We both know that thing has “respirator” written all
over it.
Step 10: Show time! Focus! Remove debit card from right pocket and
stick in icky nasty keypad machine. Type in pin number, hit Enter. Machine
says to Remove Card.
Step 11: Like you’re falling for that? Your gloved hands have just
touched the key pad and are now awash in COVID cooties.
Step 12: Quickly strip off gloves inside out and stuff in left pocket.
Remove alcohol wipes from baggy in right pocket. Remove and swab debit card,
hoping wipes won’t deactivate the magnetic strip because the bank is basically
closed until further notice. Drop card in purse. Quickly wipe now-bare hands
with the second wipe then grocery cart handle with third. Stuff both wipes back
in baggy and put back in right pocket.
Step 13: Exit store, throwing away baggies from right pocket and
gloves from left pocket trying to touch only the insides of the gloves. Unload
groceries into car trunk and return cart with elbows.
Step 14: Enter car. Take Lysol wipes and wipe down steering wheel and
gear shift, and alcohol wipes to do hands again. Clean Lysol wipes dispenser
with Lysol wipes.
Step 15: Oy gevalt! You answered your phone in the store! Put
on new gloves, carefully remove phone from interior of purse that is now
probably a coronavirus factory and clean with alcohol wipes. Dispose of gloves
and wipes in trash bag on passenger seat.
Step 16: Wash hands thoroughly again as soon as you get home. Swab
appropriate groceries with Lysol wipes keeping in mind recent news story that
Poison Control Centers have had a 20% increase in calls from people poisoning
themselves using toxic chemicals to disinfect their groceries. Wonder at
people who would eat lettuce soaked in Chlorox. #Darwin.
Step 17. Wipe down counters with Lysol wipes and do doorknobs just for
good measure. Have complete paranoid attack of what you’ve touched that you
don’t even realize.
Step 18: Pour glass of wine even though it is only 11 o’clock in the
morning.
Gloved, masked, Lysoled, Alcohol wiped and ready for grocery shopping
Absent: Grocery list. They won't have anything I want anyway.
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