Sometimes I wish I had a background in science instead of just a Ph.D. in skepticism. The latter, however, is a seriously good quality to have in an election year. I’m already fully prepared not to believe a single word any candidate says.
And speaking of not believing anything, tis the time
of year for all the diet ads that promise us redemption for the food felonies
of the holidays. It occurred to me as I read the ads for these products that maybe
what you need for a career in the health and beauty world is not a degree in
biochemistry but an MFA in creative writing. In this market, “science” could be
defined as the systematic study of duping the general public into believing
that those purely magical properties you’re proclaiming for the product are
even remotely true.
As practice for what will be a wearying year of
election rhetoric, I decided I’d start ratcheting up my parsing skills on the
ad pages of magazines.
There was a lot of competition but the ones that
really captured my attention were the ads for “fat burners.” This is creative ‘science’
writing at its best. Here are some of my faves:
“Combo-Pilling” [love the techno term]…”is the uber-trendy ‘underground’ practice of combining two or more diet pills to create a ‘supercharged’ weight loss.” [Is it also known as overdosing? Is that how you end up ‘underground’?]
BiphedAdrene…is a complex Phenylethylamine Provisional [note science-y words the reader is not likely to know, and even less likely to look up] plus an Aggressive Thermogenic formula.” [Would doing sit-ups in the sauna have the same effect?]
Vysera-CLS…can not only help you lose weight but can actually reshape your entire body. [Washboard abs, all without exercising! Could you lose weight twice as fast if you combo-pilled with BiphedAdrene, above?]
“Combo-Pilling” [love the techno term]…”is the uber-trendy ‘underground’ practice of combining two or more diet pills to create a ‘supercharged’ weight loss.” [Is it also known as overdosing? Is that how you end up ‘underground’?]
BiphedAdrene…is a complex Phenylethylamine Provisional [note science-y words the reader is not likely to know, and even less likely to look up] plus an Aggressive Thermogenic formula.” [Would doing sit-ups in the sauna have the same effect?]
Vysera-CLS…can not only help you lose weight but can actually reshape your entire body. [Washboard abs, all without exercising! Could you lose weight twice as fast if you combo-pilled with BiphedAdrene, above?]
The
14-day Jumpstart Kit…target(s) your excess body fat with a Maximum Strength Fat
Burner which promotes preferential loss of body fat mass… It encourages lipolysis (release of fat from
mature cells) and inhibits the activity of phosphodiesterase. [Note definition of lipolysis but no
explanation for phosphodiesterase. I guess if you don’t know what it means, you
don’t know what it means, you don’t deserve to lose weight, you oinker!]
But inquiring
minds wanted to know. I looked up Phosphodiesterase: “an
enzyme that breaks a phosphodiester bond in an oligonucleotide.” Well THAT makes me feel better.
“Akävar-20/50 [note umlauts – foreign is always better, Scandinavian is
better yet] is a Calorie Blocker
[love the caps] that literally causes
excess fat to be pulled from bulging parts of your body! Sound too good to be true? [Yes, actually! This was all determined “in
a groundbreaking study” (also known as “30
years of time-consuming detailed research”).]
“Zantrex-3
is a veteran in the Calorie Blocker market.
It not only blocks calories to help you lose weight fast but is also
famous for the incredible energy boost it provides. [Translation: it contains speed.] It has “been
shown to offer 546% more weight loss than American’s #1 selling ephedra-based
diet pill.” [Not 542%? And I was right about the speed.]
The fat burner
Xenadrine Ultimate promises “powerful weight loss” via its “key ingredient: c. canephora robusta.” Google that and you’ll find the “c.” is “coffea.”
It’s coffee beans. Robust ones. Save yourself the $26.99 and drink a few Red
Bulls!
But I think my
personal fave fat burner would have to be 1.M.R.VortexTM: “Turn
your body into a lean, sexy fat-melting machine with 1.M.R.VortexTM!...It
uses one of the industry’s biggest weight-loss secrets: yohimbine. This
powerful ingredient is extracted from the bark of a West African tree.”
[Far away is always better. God forbid it should grow in Omaha.]
I
hope yohimbine remains a secret. On-line
research described it as a “toxic crystalline compound obtained from the bark of
the yohimbe tree, used as an adrenergic blocking agent and also in the
treatment of impotence.” Boner city, folks! Who needs those little blue pills?
And you burn fat at the same time! Probably from that all that sex?
…In
addition to yohimbine, 1.M.R. VortexTM also contains white leadwort…which stimulates
your central nervous system (CNS). Boy, does it ever!
Holisticonline.com noted that white leadwort “stimulates the central nervous
system in small doses, while with larger doses paralysis sets in leading
ultimately to death. The blood pressure shows a slight fall.” [I’m betting it’s more than a slight fall
after death.]
But white leadwort only gets worse. Under “Uses”,
Holisticonline.com notes, “The root of this herb is a powerful acro-narcotic
poison. It will expel a fetus, dead or alive.” Yowsers. Don’t sugarcoat it,
Holisticonline.com! Personally, I think 1.M.R. VortexTM comes with
more excitement than I could stand.
I’ve concluded two things from this research:
(1) Reading and evaluating product ads would be good
practice for vetting claims by political candidates.
(2) There are worse things than being fat.
(2) There are worse things than being fat.
